Of Love And Perverts
by Getsunohimesama
Summary: Kotomine Kirei had seen a lot of things in his life. But even he didn't really know what to make of this situation.


Kotomine Kirei had seen a lot of misery in his life. In fact, from a point on afterwards, he himself had been the one to cause misery to others in any subtle but effective way he could.

Kotomine Kirei considered himself a hunter. His position as a man of God offered him a big enough amount of available prey, be it inside his congression or through the many activities the Church tasked all priests with. Furthermore, due to his abilities in healing magecraft as well as Tohsaka Rin's guardian and mentor, he felt confident to call himself an overall blessed man in regards to his hunting grounds. He was a capable hunter as well however, able to see ten steps ahead in every situation, his understanding of the more delicate functions of the human psyche giving him a huge advantage over the chosen prey. As such, he had managed to slowly experience and rejoice in all forms of human misery, humiliation, despair. He had been the one to crush hopes and dreams, shatter family bonds, make the so-called love between a couple crumble before him like a paper tower and all with a few well-placed words, subtle manipulation and careful but regular misuse of the trust those people placed in him. The only fault in his otherwise perfect hunting methods was the fact that he was unable to fully contain the borderline maniacal laughter that overcame him every time he was able to almost taste the fruit of his labours, instead it almost always escaped him in the form of a smirk that he thankfully always managed to hold back long enough for his prey to at least turn their backs towards him first.

All things considered, Kotomine Kirei was a content man. From the moment he had found Kariya Matou half dead in that filthy alley, burnt and pitifully lying among trash, the moment he found for the first time the meaning of "pleasure" as he healed him and later when he back-stabbed his own teacher and his young protege's father quite literally in the back, Kotomine Kirei never thought that he would ever regret the fact that he had strayed from the path of virtue that he had forced himself into until the Fourth Holy Grail War. Until the moment the ancient King of Uruk had forced him to come face to face with the person he really was, the person he had tried so desperately to vanquish, all for his own twisted pleasure.

So it was very strange for him to experience such a deep shame as he watched said King crying his heart out while listening to Taylor Swift.

Kotomine Kirei watched helplessly as humanity's first and strongest hero clutched to his chest a badly-drawn picture of Kiritsugu Emiya's Servant, Saber, and wept bitter tears, calling her Class name over and over while one heart-wrentching song (for regular humans at least) was followed by another.

His first thought was that Gilgamesh had managed to find the secret room where he kept the wine for the Holy Communion. After the Servant had moved in with him in the church, he had been very displeased to find out that the first-class wine he had been enjoying while under Tohsaka Tokiomi's roof daily was far beyond the Church's budget. Kirei had a hard time as it was to explain to him why his endless supply of gold was all but useless in the modern era and that there was no way he would be able to pawn the ridiculous amounts he pulled out of the Gate of Babylon every time he threw a tantrum. Finally, the King of Heroes grudgingly agreed to cut down on the wine, as well as use his own supply when the need arose. However Kirei had quickly noticed the wild glint in Gilgamesh's eye when he prepared the wine and bread for the ceremony. It had given him great pleasure when he managed to finish the task of transferring all of the wine supply into a room only he knew of and watch the sorrow in the King's eyes when he noticed.

But right now he could neither see nor smell any alcohol, which made the situaltion all the more ridiculous. He was unable to even derive any form of satisfaction from Gilgamesh's pain, so great was his discomfort at the sight. The song changed to one about missing someone, which only made the King of Heroes wail even louder. Kirei was unable to avoid that fleeting moment of regret at the sight.

He had abandoned his soul's salvation because of that man. He had abandoned the path of God because of this doodle-clutching, wailing wreck of a man. Kotomine Kirei had never felt so ashamed in his life. Taking a deep breath to prepare himself he decided that enough was enough.

"What is the matter King of Heroes?" he demanded in his usual monotone. Gilgamesh raised his eyes to look at him, puffy and swollen from tears as they were. Kirei couldn't help but compare the current image he presented to the arrogant, pompous, self-satisfied man that he was when he met him.

"The matter? But of course time Kirei, time is always the matter! It has been but five years since the last Grail War, since I graciously agreed to make your humble and unfitting church my residense", Kirei also graciously avoided reminding the King that he had nowhere else to go, "but time moves so very slow! My dearest wife is far away from my reach and will be so for five more years!" the King of Uruk protested, new tears coming forth right in front of a very worried Kotomine Kirei's eyes.

By "wife" Kirei assumed he meant the Saber-class Servant of Emiya Kiritsugu, the woman which Gilgamesh had been so infatuated with after the night Kirei lost his Servant for real to Rider's Reality Marble. Despite the Archer's claims, Kirei highly suspected that the rage on her face and the insults she had thrown his way during their last confrontation, that the King had described to him with such glee one night during which he had been completely wasted (Kirei highly suspected he had used the church's supply to get himself to that condition- after all it had been after discovering the loss of fifteen bottles that he decided to move the rest), were not quite the "virginal embarassment" that Gilgamesh was so sure of, but rather genuine hatred. After all, he had flinged a sword at her leg (and an axe, a spear and a number of other swords, axes and spears at her in general) while standing between her and the Grail itself, between her and the realisation of her greatest wish, in order to order her to marry him. Kirei was no expert, but he was certain that the conditions under which that particular "proposal" was made, would invoke hatred in less proud women than the King of Knights.

"Archer, you have no proof that the King of Knights will be summoned again during the next Grail War- after all, you yourself searched for and failed to find the catalyst used for her summoning and your prototype of her sword is hardly suitable." Kirei patiently explained, although he regreted it immediately when a whole new round of loud, sorrowful sobs filled his ears. Oh yes, Kirei definitely wanted to go in front of the church's altar, fall on his knees and beg for fogiveness before setting out to become a monk. And maybe he would actually do it was it not for the five-year-old girl that he had worked on so hard. He was about to lead her to the realisation she was adopted and expected a good amount of anguish to come his way from both her and her family. He had found that he derived a far greater amount of pleasure when targeting children than he did with adults. "And what brought this reaction about anyway?"

Humaity's first and greatest hero blew his nose loudly on a golden handkerchief he produced from the Gate of Babylon before answering. "I was out for a walk the other day when I heard those two girls talking about how this Taylor Swift was the greatest woman alive." he explained. "Naturally, the greatest woman alive is my wife and so I decided that the lowly mongrel who would dare compare with my only love" Kirei again refrained from reminding him about his other nine hundred and fifty five only loves or the whole "jus prime noctis" thing, "must be punished. First I had to investigate farther of course, so after inquiring about more information on this Taylor Swift person and once I found out she is but a poor entertainment woman, I graciously consented to review her work for myself. I was convinced it would be a waste of time and money but Kirei! That voice, those words that tag at the strings of my heart! Her pain is splendid in its own, but she can make that pain take shape into even my own mind!"

Kotomine Kirei just kept staring open-mouthed at the King of Heroes.

"She is nothing special compared to my Queen but I have decided that I will conquer this woman and allow her to bathe in my glory as a reward for her talents."

Kotomine Kirei felt his eyes widen as he stared at the King of Heroes with his mouth open.

"In fact, I will go right now. She is obviously very unhappy in her marriege if her music is anything to go by. Come to think of it, the woman must have been married for quite some time already since she has written and performed so many songs. According to the law", suddenly Kirei didn't like where this was going, "all newly-wed brides are mine during their first night and just imagine how many women have been married through the millennia I was gone- all the miserable maidens that never had the chance to behold my glorious form! As the King, I must rectify the situation immediately! The King must be the first to obey the laws he has set down himself after all." Gilgamesh declared, the determined look in his face reminding him dangerously of when he had decided that he needed to have his own motorbike- Kirei never found out how he acquired the golden plated monstrosity in the church's shed for free and neither did he wish to learn. It was enough that he had not spent the already severly limited budget of the church for that.

However the situation before him was far from harmless. He could just imagine Gilgamesh knocking on the door of (or worse, _materialising into_ ) women's houses all over Japan and demand they spend the night with him because they hadn't had the honor to do so during their wedding night. If there wasn't the certainty that the obnoxious blonde would eventually find a way to blame this on him he might have even allowed it. In fact, he would probably follow him around incospicuously in order to witness his misery at the news that things were quite different in this day and age than he remembered them to be and be there for the moment the ancient King would be arrested for sexual harassment and had to ask Kirei to bail him out- something that Kirei would gleefully deny and earn himself a few days of peace to work on that dense five year old that simply wasn't capable of putting two and two together. He had all but spelled it out for her and she still-

He snapped out of his thoughts by the sight of Gilgamesh carefully folding the Saber doodle and placing it into the pocket of his chest, his expression the same he had when he had all but straight out told him to kill Tohsaka Tokiomi. Kirei wrecked his brain to find a way to stop the King of Uruk before he left the church grounds but couldn't come up with anything short of knocking him out cold with his bare hands, or better yet a frying pan. But as fullfilling as the moment might have been, he had no way of going to the kitchen, getting the frying pan, sneaking on the King of Heroes and hitting him on the head hard enough to knock him unconcious before said King left. He had no choice but to go for the back of his neck.

Sending a quick prayer, Kotomine charged at the King of Heroes.

 _I am going to make it!_ he thought exitedly- right before his hand was stopped mere inches from Gilgamesh's neck by a powerful chain. Gilgamesh's shoulders were shaking, but whether it was in mirth or rage Kirei didn't notice.

 _I am going to die trying to prevent an alcoholic ancient pervert from setting out to rape Taylor Swift._ he thought in horror. _This is not how it is supposed to end._ He had always imagined that he'd be able to accomplish so many of his goals- win the Grail, crushing Tohsaka Rin in the process with the truth of her father's death as an added bonus, flood the world in curses, witness and take pleasure in all the beautiful, delicious misery humanity had to offer.

"Foolish mongrel! You think to deprive me of my pleasure? How dare you attempt to stand in the way of the King's will! For your acts of high treason, I will personally take your life!" the King yelled enraged. The Gate of Babylon opened behind him and a dozen weapons, all aimed at his head came out in a slow, dramatic way.

"King of Heroes, please calm thine anger." he pleaded, although to his dismay it came out in his usual monotone, which made it sound like an order. Kotomine had found out the last five years that his vocal range was from monotone to maniacal, but without the in-between. During his cermons he had managed to use a mix of both, as it was rather effective in instilling a borderline terror of the unknown divine in his congression. But right now it would be useless. Not even Kotomine Kirei would be able to cermon an enraged King of Heroes to obedience with his very vivid descriptions of hell, no matter how good he was at it. "Think of... of... of Saber!" he continued, grasping at the last straws of hope.

"Saber?" Gilgamesh raised his brow, confusion and a hint of tears in his eyes. "Elaborate mongrel."

"What will Saber think if she finds out you bedded all the newly-wed women of your... garden and Taylor Swift to boot? She will feel betrayed and used." Kotomine knew he was grasping at straws but really, what choice did he have?

"Nonsense! What Saber doesn't know will not hurt her. But even if she was to find out, I am certain she wouldn't mind. My only love is too kind to demand of me to not share the miracle that is myself with others. In fact, I am convinced she would encourage me to spread the happiness in the entirety of the female population." the King of Heroes declared, his voice brimming with confidence and a few stray tears falling as he considered his wife's generosity. "Any other last words mongrel?"

Kirei really had none. He was still too amazed in the King's ability to be so unbelievably delusional that he would actually believe the nonsensical things he was spouting. Instead he just closed his eyes and waited for the final blow. A final blow that never came. Instead, something slightly less dangerous than a dozen Noble Phantasms aimed at him was what met his ears.

"Get a hold of yourself pervert." a monotone voice rang clearly through the church's courtyard, as Gilgamesh's outraged cries became muffled by a red cloth that twisted itself around his face and midriff, binding his hands to his sides. Kirei opened his eyes only to come face to face with the golden gaze of the Sister Caren Hortensia, member of the Church, exorcist extraordinaire and his own daughter.

"Caren?" he asked in disbelief as he took in her appearence. She was in what she called her "exorcist unform", which consisted of a dress and stockings, but without the skirt.

"Father. What is the meaning of this?"

"It's all because of that woman." Kirei responded, his maniacal voice clearly showing. It had been a rough morning. "This Taylor Swift woman. It's all her fault. The Holy Grail itself would cower in fear before this unholy demon's ungodly powers." he spat hatefully.

"I see." Caren nodded and moved over to Gilgamesh's side. "Remove those toys of yours from my sight at once Gilgamesh." The King of Heroes attempted to resist her desires, that much Kirei would grant him. But it is very difficult to resist a woman when she has her high heeled boot firmly planted on your stomach. As the Gate of Babylon closed and Kirei was free again, he heard the last instructions his daughter gave to the King of Heroes. "I will release you now. Once that happens, I want you to go back inside your room and think of what you've done. Very carefully. I will call you for supper when the time comes." she finished. The Cloth of Magdala released the strongest man on Earth and he stood up quickly, shooting Kirei a dirty look before retreating to the church with his hands in his pockets. Kotomine Kirei was once again finding himself having the deep desire of repenting for all of his sins and setting himself back in he path of virtue.

"I want to know what happened here today." his daughter demanded as she walked beside him towards the church. "Also, have you began your preparations for supper? I had an exorcism close by and I am rather tired. What do we have for dinner?"

"Mapo tofu." he replied, his voice back to the usual emotionless tone but unable to hold back a smirk full of malicious intends.

"Good." Caren answered and Kotomine saw the flash of a smirk identical to his own cross her face. If Kirei did not have the emotional capacity of a sentient evil rock, he would be proud of his daughter. "Now, about this Taylor Swift person..."

 **A/N: I know, I know. It;s been well over a year since I last been active in my writer's hat. Quite frankly, this is my most random work ever, written in a matter of hours. I normally do not listen to songs from Taylor Swift but I found this awesome cover of the song "Red" by Alyssa Be. and this just randomly appeared to my head. In my defense, I recently read the All-Around Type-Moon manga and am not to blame for my actions.**

 **My main project is undergoing a massive editing but feel free to check the first six chapters- they are editted and I would appreciate the input.**

 **Until next time! :D**


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